#slandering him and he doesn't even know it....

[nightguide]

this is my tips to slander the suggestion about the prediction if i was an astrologer:

i can do what i like but it's not even there to see as if you already know his chart in real life

like you can tell on his moon that you're there anyway (libra moons have it too damn hard these days)

2. sexless opinions about his life with sarah could also indicate he's not even remotely single at all or by any means 'how can a fan get to him' energy

3. he doesn't care or know you exist (which is why i reblogged you cuz i liked your opinion)

this is how a muslim would do it

5:19 يَـٰٓأَهْلَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبِ قَدْ جَآءَكُمْ رَسُولُنَا يُبَيِّنُ لَكُمْ عَلَىٰ فَتْرَةٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلرُّسُلِ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ مَا جَآءَنَا مِنۢ بَشِيرٍۢ وَلَا نَذِيرٍۢ ۖ فَقَدْ جَآءَكُم بَشِيرٌۭ وَنَذِيرٌۭ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدِيرٌۭ ١٩

O People of the Book! Our Messenger has indeed come to you, making things clear to you after an interval between the messengers so you do not say, “There has never come to us a deliverer of good news or a warner.” Now there has come to you a deliverer of good news and a warner. And Allah is Most Capable of everything. — Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran

schizophrenia madonna's whore complex: (why you hate life and all it's purposes: why you suck at breathing is everybody else but you (personal problem against a God named 'Allah')

SMWC: this does not like me by thought (astrology) and i hate how i'm perceived by height (weird ways of being you cuz i have a dramatic monologue about life given to me by standards: shitty celebrities don't personally respond to you like a fckin call centre wonder why they are famous which is why they (i) lost the point in being myself) like i know why now

schizophrenia Hollywood: (i really hate to be there cuz i vibe all the time (cant help being this good to live, yk)

SH: i started living again with this (said gender) i love, and i really really like him (i got a crush on him too badly that i cannot speak (me 99.9% of the time and i dunno how to ask but i know i have a choice (rlly my faves an me don't understand cuz all my feels are real, yk?)

schizophrenia hate: the fckin episode of doctor who convinced me to fuck david tennant on the go but he ain't even real anymore (hence why my stress does not collaborate with band energy which is why i put a Urie there and not Tennant cuz his thwarts are my cohorts in demonic practices in space and time made me thinking about good luck charlie for many reasons now, like get me my own sex scene, i hate Hollywood for misunderstanding me (actually a fan of Raven (DC comics)

SH8: i wonder how Brendon Urie is sexually thinking about me atm

My bold prediction is that Brendon Urie is going to leave the public eye for a year, maybe two years max and then attempt to make a comeback with his new "wife guy" persona.

My second prediction is that this will blow up in his face within six months

[will80sbyers]

stop sending me Mike slander y'all will not convince me I wrote 30 pages on this freaking child while I rewatched the whole show looking only from his perspective I went inside Mike Wheeler's head and saw in his heart and there's only good intentions, bravery for a lifetime and an amount of love that's so big that he doesn't even know how to express it as he wished he could I will love him forever

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

You know, Zoe's comment about Adrien's lack of reaction to Lila slandering Ladybug and your comment on Lila's potential to be a rival to both protagonists led me thinking of Lila going "Hel hath no fury like a Rossi scorned", and going on trying to destroy Adrien's reputation first (He rejected me when I was so great! How dare he?), and Ladybug second (Oh, he likes her so much that he wouldn't even let me say she's not that great? Well, no nobody will like her!).

Marinette in this case? More of an afterthought. A tool, another target to turn against Adrien and Ladybug (poor Lila, she doesn't know how hard she's gonna fail).

Pros:

+ gives Adrien a rival

+ a rival for LB, too, but not for Marinette. Marinette has enough rivals already.

+ greater freedom for Lila while still allowing for episodic format: she's not deceiving the class, she's deceiving Adrien's fans. Online communities can be VERY fickle, so "Adrien's fans turn against him because of an outrageous claim, but this gets resolved during the same episode, Lila gets away with it because of anonimity and gossip spread" is actually believable

+ a wealth of lessons for the kids about dealing with gossip, popularity and notoriety, lies, personal boundaries, dealing with rejection, etc.

Cons:

— May be a bit too dark/mature for a kids' show (that said, Gravity Falls pulled off the Gideon plot without it getting too dark, so this one may work as well)

— Another case of a girl falling for Adrien and not taking rejection well. That said, 1) this time it is at least "girl vs Adrien" instead of "girls vs each other" and 2) I personally think Chloe's crush on Adrien is redundant and she works well enough as a needy, toxic friend. But that's a story for another time.

What do you think of this idea?

Once again, thanks a lot for all your work! I learned a lot about writing because of your blog, it is really enlightening!

(Post this ask is referring to)

I don't think that's too dark for a kids show. Kids deal with the rumor mill all the time! You just have to keep the rumors TV-kid-friendly (which will be much nicer than real kids).

Beyond that, I like this approach. Lila's hatred of Marinette never made much sense. It's too extreme! Until Marinette starts dating Adrien, Lila shouldn't care about Marinette. There's nothing Marinette can give Lila and Marinette has done nothing to effectively stop Lila's power or mess with her plans. Lila's Marinette hatred would only makes sense if Lila knew that Marinette was Ladybug, but she doesn't.

Meanwhile, Lila actively wants to be close with Adrien because he's a rich popular guy who can give her access to power (I do not think she has ever had any actual feelings for him). His denials of her approach are actually messing with her plans! Just look at the two conversations we get in Chameleon. This is what happens with Adrien:

Adrien: Hey, Lila. Lila: Adrien, we'll have to figure when you're gonna help me catch up on all the schoolwork I missed. I also heard you play piano, my uncle's the great pianist Chuch Boroughchuck. He wanted to teach me when I was little, but I had to stop playing because of arthritis. But when my wrist gets better, I'd love for you to give me some lessons. Adrien: Lila, I'm perfectly happy being friends with you, and I'll gladly help you catch on your schoolwork, but please don't lie to me like you did last time with Ladybug. Adrien: (in flashback) So I'm guessing you're not a descendant of a superhero, either. Ladybug: (in flashback) She's more like a super liar. Lila: Ladybug's the liar. Adrien: I'm not judging you, Lila, but instead of making friends you're going to turn everyone against you. You can tell me if there's something bothering you. I can help. But you need to be honest with me. Lila: Are you trying to be some superhero lecturing me just like Ladybug did? Well thanks, but no thanks. Ugh. (storms off)

Meanwhile this is what happens with Marinette:

Lila: Don't tell me it's because of this new seating arrangement in class! (Marinette turns away from Lila) It is! Of course, you're jealous because I'm sitting next to Adrien, because you would've given anything to sit there yourself. You know what? It's really not worth fighting over a boy. You and I could be friends, and who knows, I might even be able to help you with Adrien. Marinette: You and I will only be friends the day you stop lying, Lila! (Lila gasps) I can't prove it, but I know for a fact that you don't have tinnitus, that your wrist is just fine, that you don't know Prince Ali because you've never even stepped foot in Achu, and despite what you got Alya to write on her Ladyblog, Ladybug has never saved your life! Lila: I only tell people what they want to hear. Marinette: It's called lying! Lila: (Unconcerned) There's nothing you can do about it, anyway. People can't resist when they hear what they like to hear. If you don't want to be my friend, fine! But soon you won't have any friends left at all. And trust me, I'll make sure you never get close to Adrien in class or anywhere. You seem a little less dumb than the others, so I'll give you one last chance: You are either with me or against me. You don't have to answer right away. I'll give you 'till the end of class today.

One of these conversations angers Lila, the other barely phases her. If there's a character that she should be out to punish, it's Adrien. He's the one who keeps denying her in ways that actually matter. For her Marinette hate to make sense, Marinette needs to actually have someone believe her when she points out Lila's lies or she needs to actually stop Lila from getting what she wants. That never happens in canon. The way their relationship is written in canon, Lila should see Marinette as pathetic and no real threat. Basically just nothing but this moment from Oni-chan:

Outside the Agreste mansion. Lila spots Marinette inside a pile of trash bins. Lila: I could take a photo right now and post it online, but that would be too easy. (walks away. After she leaves, Marinette becomes furious and jealousy that Lila kissed Adrien.)

How does Lila go from this to a hate campaign? Why does she care? It seems like a massive waste of her time, especially now that we know the kind of grand plans she has going on! Someone who is making multiple identities does not have time to hyper focus on petty school drama. Her season five actions would actually make more sense if she was going after Marinette to punish Adrien for picking the "wrong" girl.

Don't get me wrong, Lila should enjoy tormenting Marinette right from the start, it should just be a bonus thing and not something she does without a larger benefit because the show totally failed to make Marinette feel like a real threat to Lila. Why risk exposure for no real benefit but the removal of a non-threat? Getting Marinette expelled in Ladybug would make so much more sense if it was a calculated move to make Adrien do something. Like Lila would only undo the lie if he took her to a gala or went on a date with her. As-is, Lila had no grand plan. She just wanted Marinette expelled for the crime of not believing the lies and that's it. How boring and petty.

The Adrien antagonist route could also make Lila feel like she belongs in the story. As-is, she's just a bigger, badder Chloe who has no business being on screen while Chloe is still around in her petty bully form. Story wise, they are the same character with the same goals (antagonizing Marinette for no good reason).

Making Lila into Adrien's Chloe would at least somewhat fix that issue by changing her target and giving her an actual motivation. As-is, even if Lila properly replaced Chloe, there's still the issue that Lila is nothing more than another petty mean girl. Lila really should be more than that if you want her to feel different from Chloe or even just work as a character. Like I said above, petty mean girls generally don't have multiple identities. It's a total mismatch that makes the character hard to buy. Chloe is well designed. Lila is a disaster on ever level.

And thank you for the kind words! I'm honored that the blog has been useful to you. That is the goal, after all!

[somewhereincairparavel]

What do you think of Piper's character? I started pjo because of Jason but I can't finish it because I got spoiled :(

aww nooo I'm so sorry you got spoiled! i hope you are able to continue the books one day despite the spoiler :< I was unfortunately, spoiled of jason's you-know-what long before I finished pjo and was about to start hoo aswell :(

anyways, I'll be honest, i initially never felt much towards piper while reading hoo? i wasn't a huge fan, but I never found her boring either, just a little shallow but in an understandable way since she was just a growing teen, it was realistic. I did like the fact that we got lots of insight on jason through her though, but overall she didn't deserve the fandom slander at all, that something i heavily agree on.

Also, something i DON'T understand is how much slander she got for calling percy 'unimpressive' compared to jason?? jason was her BOYFRIEND whom she was in love with at the time, and the fandom seemingly hates everyone who doesn't kiss the ground percy walks on. i found it VERY authentic that atleast one character didn't simp over him like the long list of simps he had throughout the series lol. no, she doesn't have bad taste just because percy wasn't romantically her cup of tea. Yet i feel like if annabeth said something along the lines of 'xx character is very unimpressive compared to percy' i don't ANYONE would've slandered her, because it's percy. they would've just called her a 'loyal queen' or something. piper truly is one of the punching bags unfortunately.

her platonic connection with leo and jason is also SUPER underrated, they were a family who cared about eachother till the very end even though they were put together under false pretenses :( i hate it when people compare them with grover, percy and annabeth saying that the lost hero trio wasn't 'true friendship' because of the fake memories, no. they are TRUE friends BECAUSE of how well they blended DESPITE the fake memories. They connected so well with ease and never really had any awkward moments together either.

[TOA spoilers] I'll be honest, i still have some lingering petty resentment towards piper because of how standoffish she was to jason after the break up, especially when she let coach hedge and mellie think that jason broke her heart, which alludes that she never explained to them who broke up with who and just vaguely said that they broke up, but then again, there are too little details about the break up for me to make out what exactly happened, so there's that. and I'll admit, her moving on with so quickly also rubs me off in a VERY wrong way, not just because of jason or anything, but because of how unhealthy it is for her mental health aswell, I just feel like she needed to take a break before jumping into a new relationship right after she faced PTSD witnessing her ex boyfriend/best friend's death, but i won't get into that.

I've seen some people getting upset about rick making piper queer, calling it 'queer baiting' but i HEAVILY disagree. i think piper questioning her sexuality was very realistic and makes so much sense for her character, since she always seemed to have internal misogyny that she needed to work on and also she faced the pressure of being the 'perfect aphrodite child with a perfect boyfriend' as her mom's favourite daughter. piper moving out of chb to go live in oklahoma is also very in character. I personally never felt like she truly enjoyed being in chb tbh, not as much as leo or jason did.

I do love how she gave out so much reassurance and moral support to the other characters like annabeth, leo and jason, because it's very sweet and she's also a very underrated fighter in the battlefield too.

[factsilike]

I'm sorry, but this is.. such an incorrect post on Lan Qiren's character I don't even know where to begin.

Lan Wangji did not defend a "demonic cultivator" who caused deaths in their society (WWX never even used demonic cultivation, he used gui dao). He defended a man who's been relentlessly persecuted and slandered for protecting the innocent, the innocents those bloodthirsty and revenge obsessed cultivation world wanted to kill, for daring to be better and more powerful than them. WWX was not in the wrong for defending himself against those genocidal maniacs, and Lan Wangji knew that, hence why he protected him. And why he was the only one to do so. And he did not deserve to be whipped for that.

And Lan Qiren was there on the night of that Pledge. He also was one of the people leading a siege against the innocent Wen Remnants in the Burial Mounds, and the people who slaughtered them. And the book clearly paints him as the one who is completely in the wrong for that.

As for the rules.... your words implying that 'old Asian people' are only ever abusive in their strictness? Playing into stereotypes to defend abusive behaviour? Really? "Oh Asian people are just like that, guess that makes it okay that all these adults feel comfortable whipping children! It's just the setting you see, corporal punishment was the norm then!"

To say that Lan Wangji is exactly like his father and hence these rules are there to enforce his behaviour....what even? We are never told in the novel what crime exactly Madame Lan was imprisoned for, but it is very much implied that she should not have had to spend the rest of her days locked up for it.

To think that Lan Wangji would enforce such a fate upon WWX, have you even read the novel? Lan Wangji lost control and kissed WWX once yes, but he also deeply regrets it and never touches WWX against his will again. He beats himself up for it, and moves on. In fact, he flat out knocked himself out when he was drunk so that he wouldn't do anything untoward towards WWX, even WWX was the one who kissed him. You think that is the behaviour of a man who "needs" rules to keep him in check? Implying that all Lans are what, savage beasts who will go wild on others without rules? Rules like "do not keep pets" help them how, exactly?

Not only do you have a deep misconception of Lan Qiren's character, but also Lan Wangji's. And WWX's too, for that matter. Please read the book again.

As for the incense burner dream, I cannot emphasize this enough- it is a fantasy. A dream that never happened in real life. Partners in sexual relationships have fantasies about each other all the time, it is normal. And the dream is not something that actually affected WWX in reality, because it is not something LWJ would ever actually do in reality. Also, LWJ wasn't even the one dreaming about that, WWX was the one who goaded him and gave him said fantasy fuel when they were messing around in the bushes. It was not something 15 year old Lan Wangji was fantasizing about at all, rather their adult selves (in a perfectly healthy and happy established relationship) were discovering their mutual con non-con kink through that dream.

Do you remember the classroom scene? The scene very famous for showing Lan Qiren's blatant favouritism and classism? Notice how Lan Qiren has his prized nephew show upto class to show him off to the other disciples. Notice how Lan Qiren praises Lan Wangji for giving a correct answer, and rebukes WWX for the same thing by saying he is already expected to know the answer. Notice how WWX sees through his petty BS pretty quickly and decides he doesn't need to deal with that. And Lan Qiren's very telling response. Because everyone knows that the marking of a good teacher is when they toss a book at a student's unconventional answer and throw them out of the classroom. What a brilliant man.

Also, Lan Qiren never gives WWX a chance, they just mutually avoid each other after Wangxian's marriage. Did you forget that Lan Qiren was the one who established the new rule "Do not go near Wei Ying" in the extras that forced the juniors to avoid him? Isn't that telling of how precarious WWX's situation would be if it weren't for LWJ? The difference in social power between them is scary.

Imagine yourself in Wei Wuxian's shoes. Imagine how you are all but an outcast in this hypocritical world, and there are no shortage of enemies who want you dead. Imagine you marry the love of your life, and move into his very hostile clan, a clan that has already shown that they are happy to turn you over as a scapegoat. Imagine your spouse's bitter relative can't accept your relationship to the point that he cements his hatred for you on a rock, that serves as the foundation for the clan's teachings, so they're all obligated to now avoid you.

"He allows them to have sex-" oh how very generous of him? As if Lan Wangji would have any hesitation moving out of his clan if his uncle tried to enforce his marital rights. This one seems kinda nonsensical and grasping at straws to defend him.

Sure, he may have led the clan in his brother's absence for many years. Does that make his many moral failings better? Also, first he's a great and amazing leader for the Lan Clan, but it comes to defending LWJ he's suddenly a weak hapless man who can't do anything but bow towards the whims of hypocritical old men who demand that he follow their hypocritical rules? I don't know why so many people refuse to hold these morally reprehensible characters accountable for their own actions and bend over backwards to defend them. "They simply had no choice! They just had to slaughter all these old people, women and children, you know!"

And we don't see him be nurturing or kind to his nephews in any way, at most he seems their strict teacher who expects them to be perfect at all times. If you remember, at the end of the novel right after the Guanyin Temple fiasco, he was very much planning to drag Lan Wangji back to his sect and force him into a seclusion to "fix" him. Wangxian, probably being aware of Lan Qiren's hostility (it was nothing new), wisely left him and the cultivation world behind to clean up their own messes, because they were done doing so. They'd been apart long enough.

Lan Qiren's role in the story, like some others, is that of a weak, unrighteous man who stepped aside and allowed genocide to happen because his beliefs were steeped in classism and hypocrisy, and he had no interest in changing them. He is not an old and exasperated man who yells at WWX because of his shenanigans, but because he pathetically takes his anger on his mother (a woman who has been dead for more than a decade) out on her child. It's sad that fandom misconceptions have caused such a drastic change in the perception of his character, like so many others. People refuse to accept antagonists as antagonists.

Okay here's my Lan Qiren apologist masterpost

"He had Lan Wangji whipped! He's an abuser!"

That was Lan Wangji's punishment for injuring 33 Lan elders while defending a demonic cultivator who caused innumerable deaths in the cultivation community. You need to remember the setting of this story: Madame Yu whipped Wei Ying half to death just because she went "you didn't do anything wrong, your general existence is just mildly annoying to me." Lan Qiren deciding Lan Wangji get one lash for every person he hurt is NOTHING in comparison to the punishment he would have gotten if anyone else was in charge and it was the only way to clear his name.

2. "The Lan sect rules he enforces are too strict."

First of all, Lan Qiren is an old Asian person. I feel like that would be enough to make my point, but I will continue regardless.

The Lans have so many rules because they have extreme self-regulation issues when it comes to their emotions. We've seen Lan Wangji's dad ruin his life by trying to atticwife his lover, but Lan Wangji wasn't any better. If you've read the incense burner extra you know he got his first crush at 15 and his brain immediately went to fantasizing about violently assaulting Wei Ying in the library. Their hundreds of rules are stifling because they're supposed to be. If the Lans don't try to contain themselves they will ruin their lives and the lives of people they care about.

Is "don't talk while you're eating" even that extreme of a household rule? Like every family has some variation of "don't do ____ at the dinner table" and the Lans having their own version is not that insane.

3. "He was against Lan Wangji loving Wei Wuxian."

I need you to spend like. 2 minutes putting yourself in Lan Qiren's shoes.

Imagine you are Lan Qiren. Imagine you find out your brother broke his family apart by forcing his wife to stay with him. Lan Qiren was just a man who was thrust into not only taking care of the Lan clan, one of the biggest cultivation sects you can think of, but also his two traumatized nephews. Imagine cleaning up the mess your brother left you while having to raise two children that aren't yours.

Then you see your nephew, who you have raised like your own son, helplessly pining after the infamous demonic cultivator who has rejected him and teased him. You watch him turn against and injure his own family members to protect a literal criminal.

Then he comes home holding the child of the man he loves and you let him keep that baby and raise him. Because you see yourself in him. You see someone who just lost a loved one who was not a good person but someone you loved regardless. How many times do you think he saw Lan Wangji raising Lan Yuan and remembered himself raising someone else's children because their father was no longer there?

And then after all that Lan Qiren had been through, he didn't even try to keep Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian apart once he found out the truth. When Wei Ying explained how he'd been set up, he was one of the first elders in the cultivation community to give him a chance to explain himself. And after that even if he was cold to Wei Ying, he didn't say shit about the two of them having nasty loud gay sex in gusu every night.

I don't care. Lan Qiren hate will always be forced to me, he did literally nothing wrong and if I was in his shoes I would not have been able to handle it

[bitsbug]

Slugsign is a language of many uses

[dogmasquerade]

god okay disco elysium fans try and understand the consequences of actions challenge. jean is a dick but also he's like that... for a reason. kim has literally only just met harry he has no frame of reference for the past and NEITHER DOES THE PLAYER. Jean's been with harry since he was sober. he's seen the downfall. harry's gone clean before and all that happens is he fell in again. none of yall have had to be friends with an addict and it shows. it's constant. its painful. eventually compassion fatigue. you just can't care like you used to because every single time you offered a hand it got bit. sunk cost fallacy forces you to stay but its like poison. toxic, eating away at you, an albatross. you can't leave him but you can't live with him. you know hes hurting so so bad but the hurt spills from his overflowing heart into anger and its directed at you.

anyway td;lr jean's got good reason for giving up on harry, martinase was just his final straw. its not just "ough you shouted at me while being mentally ill once and now im mad :(" its "i have watched you systematically destroy yourself from the inside out. you are burning alive and every time i try to help you i get burnt. you have embraced the flames at this point and i don't know how else to help anymore. you arent who i used to know."

EXCEPT HE DOESN'T EVEN DO THAT BECAUSE HE CAME BACK. he came back literally as soon as the waterlock got fixed. he still fucking cares.

[makiswirl]

can i just say. and this is probably a niche hill to die on. that i am so gobsmacked every time someone vaguely hints at the idea that jotaro doesn't care meaningfully for the other crusaders, usually particularly kakyoin and joseph, when those two actually tend to be the ones he reacts to being hurt the hardest

like he cares for his loved ones!!!! that literally plays into his character motives in every single part he shows up in!!! stop lying to me!!!!!!!

[diluc33rpm]

the romance/relationship system in bg3 is genuinely some of the worst designed shit i've ever seen in any game with that feature but at least the memes we get out of it are funny. once saw someone comment something along the lines of 'patch note: waving at gale will no longer cause him to buy a house for the two of you to retire in' and i've never recovered since

[britneyshakespeare]

Arthur T. Demoulas is like a New England folk hero

[everysongineverykey]

some guy commented on my narrator + toriel fic saying "well the narrator's done some questionable stuff once or twice but he's not the one who let SIX children DIE just to SPITE her ex-husband" lmaoooo bro did you even play undertale? you can just say you have no reading comprehension it's okay

[frog-with-no-therapy]

You know, I'm not much of a fan for superman (haven't read a single issue of his) but I really really respect him

Like, his whole thing is that he is an alien who was raised by humans, and decided to become a hero later on

Many people find him lame and boring, or even naive to be this nice to humans, and hate on him because of that. but the thing is

The thing is that he isn't naive. He gets it, he has super hearing, he hears every cry and scream for help. He hear every break down, every sad moment, every violent one too, yet he still fight for humanity

Because he also hears every laugh, every shout of joy, every squeal of joy, every "I love you" said, every happy moment, every lovely moment, and every humane one too

He heard and saw all of those and decided we are worth fighting for, that these moments are worth fighting for

And he isn't lame and boring, he is a lonely guy trying to fit in very hard, eating and sleeping even when he doesn't need it, just so he can have a small imaginary picture of what it means to fit in

I don't know exactly how his story goes, or the kind of hardships he face (hopefully ones that challenge his perspective, ones that challenge his human side ) but just his concept alone is more than enough for him to be a very interesting character

He too have his own problems, mostly with fitting in and loneliness, and if you can't understand that then perhaps you're part of the problem he face, being seen as "too powerful" to have such mundane problems and all

[osaemu]

GOJO SATORU: ❛❛ YES, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, AND YES, SHE'S REAL! ❜❜

.ೃ࿐ streamer!au: what happens when your gamer boyfriend brings you on-screen for the first time?

contents: fem!reader. use of she/her pronouns + reader is referred to as gojo's girlfriend. toji slander bcs he deserves it.

author's note: everyone welcome streamer!gojo to the world! he'll be here for a while...

"oh, please," satoru laughs, leaning back and grinning at the screen in front of him. he tosses his hair, but it falls back into his eyes just seconds later. "no way you guys all thought i would lose that one. c'mon, have some faith in me!"

you watch satoru reply to the hundreds of comments lighting up the side of his monitor, smiling endearingly at the way he laughs at some and practically chortles at others.

it was only after the two of you started dating that satoru disclosed his streaming hobby, and to your surprise, he was pretty popular. thousands of people tuned in to watch him play some game or another every night, and well, it paid better than you'd expect.

satoru whistles, hands resting comfortably behind his head as a particular question catches his attention. "ah, do i have a girlfriend?" he muses, grinning as he shoots a quick side-glance at you. "yeah," he continues, snorting when what looks like a flurry of no fucking way's flood the chat.

he clicks his tongue disappointedly, shaking his head in mock disbelief. "what, did all eight thousand of you think i couldn't pull? thanks a lot," satoru deadpans, waving his hand and sighing dramatically. "i don't know what any of you mean. i'm a catch!"

you snicker at that, and your laughter only increases when satoru turns and gapes at you. he juts his bottom lip out, face sinking into an adorable pout at he crosses his arms. "even my own girlfriend's laughing at me," he mumbles petulantly. "hmph!"

satoru sticks his tongue out at you childishly, and you blow a kiss back. he pretends to faint before turning back to his monitor, quickly skimming the comments before he gasps. "what do you mean, she probably doesn't exist?!" he sputters, clutching his heart exaggeratedly.

the look on his face is priceless — imagine getting told by thousands of people that one, they think you can't pull, and two, that they don't even believe your significant other exists. naturally, satoru reacts as dramatically as ever. he pretends to ignore everyone in the comments before calling them out individually.

"oh, i see you, toji... fishy-guru," satoru gripes, wagging his finger at his screen. "my girlfriend exists and she's mine! don't even think about it." he pauses, squinting at the chat before correcting himself with an eyeroll. "fushiguro. whatever. either way, she's real and she's all mine."

satoru swivels his chair to face you, making an incredulous face as he gestures to the screen. "can you believe this?" he grumbles, ocean-blue eyes focused on you. "these guys don't think you're real."

you shrug, toying with the corner of his sheets as you smile back at satoru. he's so childish, but that's just one of the many things you adore about him. sure, he's an annoying brat, but at least he's a total sweetheart too.

your boyfriend extends his hand, beckoning you to come over to him. "c'mon, darling," he cooes, scrunching up his nose at you. "wanna help me prove these losers wrong?" satoru mouths please, and the puppy eyes he gives you are cute enough to convince you.

so you hop off his bed, running a hand through your hair as you stroll over to where he sits in front of his monitor. beaming like a kid on his birthday, satoru takes your hand and twines his fingers with yours.

smiling smugly, satoru pulls you on screen and into his lap, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. you watch the chat erupt with she's real's and how did he pull a girl like her's and smile, flicking satoru's forehead affectionately.

he ignores the thousands of dumbstruck users in his comments and holds you close to his chest, adjusting his grip on your waist to make his lap as comfortable as possible for you. satoru's adoring eyes are fixed on you, only you, even as his chat explodes.

suguru-geto: haha i already knew

toji-fushiguro: how the fuck did a loser like him pull her?

yuuji-itadori: gojo has a girlfriend??? what did i miss??

[verstappen-cult]

PRAISE, M. VERSTAPPEN.

✶ SUMMARY. Max knows he’s good at his job, he was raised to be the best driver, the perfect son, and knows he’s talented. The bad thing is that he has to listen to people complimenting him almost everyday. He really thinks he’s good at hiding how shy and uncomfortable it makes him, and it’s just that Max can’t seem to take compliments from anyone but you.

content warnings ✶ disclaimers. fem!reader. lots of fluff. my favorite kind of max: flustered max. P in V. sub/dom dynamics. praise kink. unprotected sex, wrap it before you tap it kiddos. breeding kink. redbull racing slander because we are tired of them not doing their job. english is not my first language.

GWEN RAMBLES — i started writing this after the awful events of sunday, and finished it today! this was requested a while ago and to the person who asked for it – i’m sorry it took me so long! hope y’all like it. comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

Max gets uncomfortable when people compliment him. He knows he's good at what he does, knows he’s talented. And when people call him handsome? Compliment his hair? His arms? He has a hard time trying not to show how affected he actually is.

However, you know him in ways the rest of the world doesn't.

Max likes it when you compliment his cooking. It's not deserving of a five star Michelin rating, but good enough to eat and perfect the dish.

"How did you came up with this?" You ask, raising a spoonful of vegetables with a sweet and sour sauce.

Max can't keep his eyes off of you, waiting for your reaction patiently and anxiously. "I saw it in a video. But it was my idea to add the sauce to give it a little spin." He shrugs, his cheeks gaining a pretty pink color the second you make eye contact with him.

"It's delicious," You whisper, licking the rests of sauce from the spoon. Max's eyes glaze over and he forces himself to look away if he actually wants to make it through dinner. "You're such a good cook, Max. If you weren't a racing driver, I'm sure you would've had a restaurant."

Now, Max blushes furiously, the spoon falling from his fingers and on the plate. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes to mind, and you bite your lower lip to stop yourself from laughing at his flustered state.

Max likes it when you jump into his open arms after a good qualifying session or podium celebrations, all happy and giddy as he still tries to shake off the adrenaline.

"You did such a good job!" He wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you off the ground. He's still pretty much on cloud nine and with you in his arms it can't get any more perfect. "You were flying out there!"

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.” You are not looking at his precious face, but you know he’s blushing for the way his voice falters. Once he puts you down, Max hides his face away by busying himself with getting rid of his champagne-soaked race suit.

His reluctance to accept your compliment doesn’t surprise you in the slightest, he always brushes them off. You thought he didn't like it at first, it was really awkward when you started dating and he would ignore you, but as time went on you learned that he just doesn't know how to react to them. His PR training has helped him a lot for when the press and the public in general praise him for his excellent driving and fast reflexes almost every day of his life, but Max still gets flustered when you are the one complimenting him. You love to tease him about it.

Max likes it when you praise him during sex.

Especially when he surrenders himself to you.

"Look at you," You coo at him, the back of your hand caressing his cheek ever so slightly. "being so good for me." Max draws in a sharp breath, your touch burning in the most delicious way even if you're barely doing it.

You press a kiss on his naked shoulder, his smooth and warm skin shining with sweat.

“I’m always good.” He rasps, leaning his head to the side and presenting his neck to you.

You laugh softly, moving away to look into the depths of his ocean blue eyes. “Of course you are.” The smile he gives you makes your heart hammer in your ears.

Max opens his mouth to speak but falls silent as you continue to kiss along his collarbones, running your tongue and creating a path down over his chest, your soft lips making contact with his nipples.

He arches his back when you capture a nub between your teeth, hands grabbing the sheets because he knows he can’t touch you unless you allow him to. And he’s good. He wants to be good.

Max bites his bottom lip as you pinch his other nipple with your fingers. He’s having a hard time trying to stay still, his whole body shivers at your ministration.

“Always so sensitive.” You say, swiping your thumb over the pebbled flesh. Max only nods, his blushed face twisted in pleasure. “Such a good boy, uh?”

You lift your skirt up to straddle his hips, sitting just above his hard cock, still tucked away in his trousers.

“You did such a good job today.” You say, rocking your hips and planting your hands on his stomach. Max groans, shaking his head. “What was that?”

“It was,” He sighs, closing his eyes to try and regain some control over his body, but he’s sensitive and can feel your slick dripping over his clothed cock. “It was awful today.”

You tsk, nodding your approval. “It was.” His face falls for a moment, expression somber. “They don’t deserve you, not at all.” His eyes shine again, just like that. “You’re practically doing everything by yourself, isn’t that right?”

“Y-yes.” His knuckles are white from gripping the sheets trying to follow your earlier instructions, so you take pity on him. Your touch is soft as you take his hands and place them on your waist, and Max doesn’t waste a second on gripping you so hard you know you’ll have bruises the size of his hands tomorrow. The mere thought of walking around with his bruises makes you clench around nothing.

“No one is doing it like you, Max.” You purr his name, and his eyes roll to the back of his head.

Max lets out a low groan, hips thrusting up with force. He needs release. He needs you.

“Please.” He whispers, and you lower yourself to be at the same level, lips grazing his.

“What do you need?”

“Please,” He says again, almost whining. “Please.”

“You need to use your words. I don’t know what your please means, Max.” You pinch his nipple and he gasps, tilting his head.

His pupils are blown wide when he opens his eyes to look directly into yours. “I want – please I want you to ride me.” His voice breaks in a moan.

“See?” You cup his jaw, thumb caressing his bottom lip. “That wasn’t so hard.”

Max’s mind is blank except for thoughts of you. You on top of him. You taking care of him. You fucking him. You, you, you.

You use his chest for support as you help him get rid of his trousers and your skirt. Now, both of you are completely naked and Max can’t fight the moan that slips from his lips when he feels the heat of your cunt against his hard and leaking cock. It’s painful.

Max gazes down and his mouth waters. The thought of laying you down and claiming his favorite spot between your legs to taste you is almost enough to send him over the edge.

You trail your hand down his chest, not breaking eye contact, not wanting to miss any of his reactions. Like the way his entire face twist in pleasure, his eyebrows furrowing and his mouth hanging open, when you wrap your hand around his cock.

Max still has a little of self control but it’s exhausting, he doesn’t know how much he can actually take before reaching his limit and spilling his seed. And he doesn’t want to waste it. He wants to come inside of you, wants to fill you up and stay there. So he says it.

And you shudder in response. You’re soaking wet, so it’s enough to not need prep, even though Max is big and he loves to prep you for it; you want it to hurt today, you want to be sore and feel him all day.

You guide his cock with trembling hands, feeling the tip fighting its way into your cunt.

You place both hands on his chest as he grips your hips as his life depends on it. You sink down on him, adjusting and pressing down slowly. It is torture for Max, you see it in the way his jaw tenses and sweat coats in his forehead. But he doesn’t protest, he takes everything you give him in silence.

“You feel,” You gasp at the sensation of finally having him deep inside of you. Max tosses his head back when he feels you clench around him. “so,” He moans louder, bucking his hips into you as you start riding him, fingernails scrapping his skin. “good.”

You take him deeper every time you raise your hips, letting yourself fall down hard, your clit grinding against his skin and making you moan loudly.

Max is mesmerized by the view.

And Max really doesn’t know where to look. If your contorted face and mouth open, moans and praises falling from your lips mixing with the squelching sounds of your cunt. Or your breast bouncing with every move. Or the connection between your bodies, how his cock disappears inside of you over and over again, driving him closer to the edge.

“Fucking me so good,” You start babbling, and Max knows you’re close to your orgasm.

He pulls you down against him and starts thrusting into you with urgency. You tuck your head against his neck and sink your teeth into his skin, marking him. Claiming him.

His cock digs deep inside, the tip rubbing against that sensitive spot that makes you tremble and see stars behind your eyelids.

Max reaches his climax with loud moans and calls of your name. He fills you up and continues to fuck his seed into you until your whole body goes still and the whole world cease to exist except for you and him.

Max doesn’t pull out until he’s certain you’ve taken every last drop. It is only when it gets cold and you want to cuddle under the blankets that you move off him, his pout at not having your weight on top of him making you giggle.

“Did so good.” You whisper, not recognising your own broken voice. “My sweet boy.”

do not repost, translate, plagiarise or claim any of my works as your own. | © verstappen-cult, 2024.

[artytaeh]

a honorary thought about how theodore nott would be with you, mrs. nott, his wife— during those blessed first vacations as a married couple; your honeymoon.

warnings: includes smut, so obviously it's advised for +18 readers; read at your own risk. use of italian provided by google translator, if i have readers who speak italian fluently, please don't murder me! </3

honeymoon!theo who seems extremely relaxed, calm and unprepared for this first vacation with you as his wife, to italy— his home country. what you don't know is that theodore had been thinking and planning these weeks for months, maybe even years, during those mornings at hogwarts that he woke up before he needed to leave his bed and prepare for classes. unbeknownst to you, theodore is prepared to suggest names for your future children: that's how well theo has thought (and planned) for a future with you.

honeymoon!theo who doesn't give you much context or details over what you'll be doing during those weeks; you know that it'll be in italy, and got some advice over which clothes would be a good idea to bring in your luggage. if you expected one week of vacation— yeah, dolcezza, not happening. italy is a beautiful country; given the opportunity to show you around, theodore will make sure that his family's money is put to good use, and ensure at least three weeks of walking around.

honeymoon!theo who has most of the days planned; he made sure that three weeks was enough time to see part of italy's best spots, yet never giving you one day that makes you feel exhausted. at most, you'll see or visit three different places during the same day, yet not far enough that'll get your feet hurting from walking too much.

honeymoon!theo who had a hard time selecting where to take you during these three weeks— at the same time that he wants you to see how lively, colorful and amazing his homeland is, theodore doesn't want to have you exhausted in a matter of days. in the end, theo decided that he'd give you the best of two worlds: the beautiful cities, and the breathtaking countryside.

honeymoon!theo who makes sure that you'll have a taste of most of italy's native dishes. desserts, treats, appetizers, dinner and even drinks; theodore makes it a point to show you why he slandered hogwarts' food on a daily basis. however, if you're a picky eater or have a few food limitations, theo makes sure to only encourage you to eat what he knows that you'll like. never forces you to taste anything that you might not like, should it have any ingredient that you don't eat / don't like.

honeymoon!theo who will buy a slice of pizza, a cup of pasta or other treats as you stroll around the streets, making sure that you taste some of them and are never the slightest bit hungry.

honeymoon!theo who teached you a few sentences and phrases in italian, helping you with the pronounciation just right. simple things, really, like petnames, simple phrases (how to say thank you, how to say hello and good morning, even a few curse words should someone be a jerk to you and because you cursing on his native language turns him on).

honeymoon!theo who refers to you as mrs. nott. if you're at a restaurant— theodore will be a gentleman and make the order for the two of you, saying what he'd like to have, and what mrs. nott chose instead for today's meal. will teasingly refer to you as mrs. nott, if you ever engage playful banter or have a silly argument. if you're angry, well, being called mrs. nott dissolves any annoyance that you might have towards your husband.

honeymoon!theo who takes the chance of being in italy again, to buy his favorite brands of cigarettes; he promises to smoke a little less, though. one in the morning, as he waits for you to finish dressing up for the day— then one at night, leaving the windows open after you two were intimate, as you are comfortably laying on his chest. one hand holds the cigarette, while the other runs its fingers through your hair; here, theodore has each hand holding two of his biggest addictions. surely, if possible, theodore might sneak one cigarette during afternoon or after lunch; if you don't like the smell, theo will make sure to do it away from you. is there a shop you'd like to check? while you explore it, theo might smoke his second cigarette of the day.

honeymoon!theo who never gets his hands out of you. waist, lower back, holding hands or intertwined fingers; now that you're his, he has even less reasons to let go of you. italy is a crowded, famous country for vacations; between locals and tourists you walk together, as theodore guides you along, making sure that he never loses sight or hold of his wife.

honeymoon!theo that has a morning routine; lazying around in bed for a little longer, forearms feeling the softness of the pillow as he rests his head there— prompted up enough to see you. his gaze never wavers; theodore watches as you walk around the bedroom, each step being a soft pad on the floor, as you rummage through the wardrobe and seek for what you'll wear today; making your way then to the bathroom. if he's too sleepy, theo will take a light nap as he waits for you, lulled by the muffled sound of the water running for your shower; should he feel a bit more energetic, or more of a morning person, theo will follow you like a puppy, hugging your waist from behind as he kisses his way to shower with you.

honeymoon!theo who decides that his vocation is to help mrs. nott, his stunning, gorgeous wife getting ready for anything. oh, so you're preparing yourself to sleep? theodore will be more than happy to brush your hair, or to have you teaching him what products to apply, and how, to your hair— are you too lazy to take off your make-up? don't worry, theo does it for you; and even throws a dirty joke about removing your make-up in another, more elaborate and definitely much more pleasant, way. specially after a long day strolling around the streets, theodore will be more than happy to just let you relax, while he takes care of you.

honeymoon!theo who also loves to help you getting ready to leave, too. do you need this thing from the wardrobe or from your luggage? don't worry, he'll get it for you. are these the shoes you're wearing tonight? sit on the bed, bella, i'll tie them for you. do you need him to hold something or even help you with your hair? theodore nott is a very competent husband (or does his best to learn how to be very helpful for you). if you don't need help, well, theodore will sit on the edge of the bed, with those icy blue eyes gaining a new loving shade, as he looks at his bellissima getting ready to leave the room with him.

honeymoon!theo who took you to some window shopping with you, at venice and milan. two beautiful cities, where people proudly dress to impress; the shops didn't disappoint you at all. each dress or mannequin that you stared for more than two seconds got theodore to hold you by the hand, and gently dragging you to enter the shop; theo was more than happy to hold bags for you, one arm wrapped around your waist, while the other proudly holds his wife's bags from all the stuff you bought (correction: what theodore persuaded you to bring along, strictly using his family's money).

honeymoon!theo who perfected the art of convincing mrs. nott to agree with allowing him to spoil her; why shouldn't you be pampered by your own husband? in fact, theodore argues that doing so is a significant other's duty (and privilege). should you argue that everything's too expensive, well, theodore has two valid arguments for that: one, the nott family is ridiculously wealthy— one dress won't make his wallet lighter; and two, it's your money too, now. so why shouldn't you use it?

🗯️ : but teddy, darling— this is too much. i won't have enough space in my luggage to take all of these extra clothes with me.

t : don't worry about that, carina. if anything, we'll buy an extra luggage for you. fanculo, you know what? let's buy you a bigger one so you'll have to buy more things to fill it up. here, cara mia, look at this shop.

honeymoon!theo who takes a few nights to take you to dance around with him, strolling around some streets with good bars— a fancier version of those slytherin parties that you went together, except the lack of excessive green, besides lorenzo and mattheo's tendencies to start a brawl over flirting with an already taken girl. theodore dances with you, the two of you swaying with the rhythm, having the most fun, as you try to talk to each other sometimes or exchange a few comments here and there. if a younger guy has the audacity to look at you, theodore will glare at them in such an intimidating way, that the bloke doesn't even have to know about how theodore nott was a feared rival at hogwarts; should he be older, theodore will yell a clear threat in italian.

t : guarda ancora mia ragazza e ti garantisco che nessuno incontrerà i tuoi occhi dopo che li avrò cavati davanti a tutta la tua famiglia, stronzo del cazzo.

🗯️ : theo, what was that? what did you say? i didn't understand...

t : nothing, dolcezza; would you like a drink? here, let's go buy one together.

honeymoon!theo who translates anything and everything to you, specially if you ask him. if you're at a museum and would like to know what the description of some painting is, then theodore will explain or straight-out translate for you. don't worry, he's more than happy to do that— theo does it so patiently, that you would notice that he actually enjoys it. maybe he's returning the favor, for those few times that you've helped him pronounce a few words before class starts; maybe because theodore finds it heartwarming how you show such interest for his culture, and how endearing it is to see you trying to understand a few words here and there.

honeymoon!theo who separated these few days strolling around the city, walking around the streets and seeing a few attractions that he knew that you'd like (a few museums, for example); and got you to another city, one where he planned to have a more lighthearted routine. summer in italy is hot; to have you not enjoying the heat with one day or two to tan, to enjoy a pool or simply lazying around would be wrong; a waste, even. during those days, theodore made sure to let you rest on your chair, while massaging the sunscreen into your skin. those few days spent like that were fun; you didn't do much, but sometimes, doing nothing is the best.

honeymoon!theo who got to drink a few cocktails with you during those few days, sunglasses shielding your sights from the blazing sun, and swimsuits ready to have at least a swim together. conversation flows as easily between you as ever; taking a sip of your cocktail while the other talks, taking turns to share opinions or to continue the conversation. perhaps theodore took the chance to lightheartedly discuss what you'd do after these weeks— would you like to live with him to nott's estate, and leaving your shared cozy apartment for the time being?

honeymoon!theo who would only not shower with you if you two really had to get ready as fast as possible. otherwise, he's joining you; kissing your shoulders while you wash yourself, hugging your waist as he hums to whatever you're telling him. unless you'd rather wash your own hair or have a specific way of doing it, then theodore is more than happy to do it for you; as soon as he's done, he'll poke your nose with your shampoo's foam, signaling his concluded work. surely, theodore marvels at having you hugging him and washing his back at the same time— hey, where are you going? no, hug him for a little bit more; his back should be properly washed, you know?

honeymoon!theo who finds these weeks blissful. no quickies, no hurries; contrary to hogwarts, that even your own dorms weren't the most private places; or your daily life, where some of his friends are comfortable enough to visit without invitations— here at the hotel or alugada house you're at, there's privacy, time, and no restrictions for noise.

honeymoon!theo who takes his time with you. taking each piece of clothing with a calm movement, kissing every inch of skin in display; making sure that tomorrow morning, you'll have to complain or pout at him, due to those new bruises his lips will leave on your skin. neck and thighs are two favorites of his; however, there's something sinfully attractive and arousing about marking up your chest. a little dirty secret of his, one that only his eyes are allowed to see— besides yours, of course.

honeymoon!theo who gets a little insane in the head each. single. time that you have the audacity to speak italian to him, specially during these intimate moments. it doesn't matter if your pronounciation isn't perfect— even a single amore does things to him. whisper fanculo a me to his ear, and you might have to choose a more lighthearted agenda tomorrow, for the sake of your sore legs.

honeymoon!theo who becomes impossibly possessive. having been an overprotective boyfriend at times, making sure that each single student and their mothers knew that you're taken for life, these few weeks are feral. it becomes calmer as the days pass by, though; theodore takes some time to normalize the overwhelming reality that finally, finally you are his wife— mrs. nott.

so, honeymoon!theo who doesn't shut up. theodore needs to tell you how long he's waited for this, to have that ring on your finger; that same hand that he holds as he thrusts into you, or pleasures you in anyway— thumb tracing over the piece of jewelry exchanged on that day that you two got married. his fingers intertwine with yours, blue eyes bewitched by the sight of you under him, and even more intensely if you go on top. theodore nott is a shameless man; he'll only encourage you to moan louder for him, to tell him how good he makes you feel. theodore nott is so, so shameless, that he won't hold back any moan, any groan, anything he wants to say; this man will continue his rambling over how long he's dreamt about putting a ring on your finger, about being wed to you, about showing you his homeland— he'd say all of his in italian, though. if you're lucky, you'll catch up a few words; if not, well, theodore's voice sounds even better when he speaks his native language so fluently.

honeymoon!theo who doesn't have to hold back his baby fever anymore. will get you that final orgasm, with you sitting on his lap, his cock deep inside you, your back flushed against his warm chest; your hips feel those calloused, warm hands holding your hips down, making sure that the two of you can see the reflection of that mirror in front of the bed— one that theodore, shamelessly, requested to have it placed there. blue eyes lock their gaze there, where he disappears inside you, as you take him so well.

honeymoon!theo who doesn't shut up as he keeps you like this for a long moment, as praises leave his lips; 'you're stunning, cara mia, davvero bellissima— you'll look even prettier with our babies inside you.' as he speaks, theo presses kisses to your neck, one hand moving to rub circles on your clit; as if he wasn't already buried so deep inside you, pressing against that spot that has your legs shaking. theo doesn't let you stray much farther from his aching erection: 'brava ragazza, you'll take it all, won't you? we can't have a single drop leave your pretty little cunt.'

honeymoon!theo who secretly hopes that you'll come back to england with a baby in your womb; as much as he absolutely adores this life with you, on getting your full attention, falling into a domestic routine— theodore can't wait to see how your child would look like. theo can only pray that they inherite your lovely smile and beautiful hair, but keep his eyes. blue eyes, identical to the ones his mother, phoena nott, had. besides, if you do end up pregnant and keep the baby— next time that you go to italy, there would be a tiny human keeping you two company. theodore daydreams about that day.

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪸 ’

౨ৎ calling out my name ♡ ͡

in the summer rain, ciao amore . . .

🪻 ; . . . fandom : harry potter.

— spreading the 'theodore nott being a loving husband and slightly obsessed with the love of his life' agenda; this boy had the first draft of how your honeymoon would be after your fifth date with him.

the headers + gifs + icons aren't mine. credits to the respective creators ! 🌷

[bruciemilf]

The Wayne manor is not a quiet place.

Someone Is always doing something, talking about anything, teasing, bantering, playfully slandering, so Bruce grew accustomed to noise. Its hard not to, with his nest of birds.

But this particular topic has him on mute;

"Why do YOU get him when he's old?"

" Oh my GOD, Jason, I'm LITERALLY the oldest. You ALWAYS have to get everything!"

Jason isn't at all interested in Dick's dramatics. He wraps all 6'4 inches around Bruce's leg like an affectionate leech. "You're the fucking meanest! You'll probably feed B those gross ass protein shakes and force him to watch re runs of Realest Housewives of Gotham!"

"YOU TRIED TO BLOW HIM UP!"

Cass is strong like a tsunami and silent as a snake, jumping on Bruce's back, beautiful eyes full of threat. " Dad stays. Mine."

Bruce pipes up, " I have a retirement plan--"

"Getting railed everyday at the Kent farm isn't a retirement!"

Tim gives Steph a look of disgust. "Gross."

Damian isn't above pulling out his swords. " If I don't get Baba, everyone is dying. Me included. "

"Damian. What did I say about threatening your siblings with murder?" Bruce asks expectantly.

" Oh, I'm not threatening, baba. I'm making a vow."

Alfred doesn't pry his attention from the chamomile tea he's preparing. " Master Bruce stays with me."

"...Alfred, I don't think you'll...You know, be around when Bruce retires--"

"Was that a contradiction?"

They all gulp. The argument is settled quickly, and Bruce spends the rest of his evening with head on Alfred's lap and his hand in Jason's hair, petting like a cat, and listening to RHOG on the TV.

He loves the noise.